Feeling Sandwiched? Working, Raising Kids, and Caring for an Aging Parent

Welcome to our Fireside Chat: Caring for our parents – and ourselves

CBS This Morning on caring for an aging loved one 7-6-18

On the “CBS This Morning” podcast, social worker and author Jody Gastfriend talks with CBS News’ Anne-Marie Green about caring for an aging and aligning family member. Part memoir and part how-to, in “My Parent’s Keeper: The Guilt, Grief, Guesswork, and Unexpected Gifts of Caregiving” Gastfriend offers advice for planning ahead, caring for a parent who did not care for you and dealing with the cost of long-term care. She also shares her own experience of caring for her father who suffered from dementia with Green.

Ep. 1: Jody Gastfriend

Kathryn Zox interviews senior care expert and social worker Jody Gastfriend, author of “My Parent’s Keeper: The Guilt, Grief, Guesswork, and Unexpected Gifts of Caregiving”. With life expectancy almost double what it was a 100 years ago, we’re at a point in history when people 85 years and over make up the largest growing demographic in the US. Gastfriend shares her guide to caring for aging family members by providing advice, vignettes and a compassionate approach to helping family caregivers find gratification in their new role.

Caregiving: Challenges and Rewards for Family Members

At some point, every family will have have to address care needs, and most of us seem unprepared. There are a plethora of challenges that caregivers and their loved ones face, from an emotional standpoint to the financial aspects. Care.com’s mission is to improve the lives of families and caregivers by helping them connect in an easy and reliable way.

Jody Gastfriend, Vice President of Senior Care Services at Care.com, talks about how they help families make informed decisions about finding and managing quality care for loved ones.

MyNDTALK – Alzheimer’s – Jody Gastfriend

Jody Gastfriend, VP of Senior Care Services for Care.com, with more than 25 years of experience in the industry and the personal experience of caring for a family member with dementia discusses the signs and symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease. Learn some of the steps you can take if you suspect a loved one is showing symptoms. Hear about the intricacies of caring for someone with the condition and ways to create a healthy environment for all involved—including the caregiver.

How This Wife Unlocked Her Husband’s Dementia

A year ago last March, my father, Henry Oppenheim, passed away after a long battle with dementia. My siblings and I used to joke that my dad had nine lives. There were so many close calls: a urinary tract infection that ravaged his body and a cardiac arrest that weakened an already damaged heart, to name two.

But somehow, despite the assaults he suffered to both body and mind, my father had a strong will to live. And my mother, Adele, was able to bring that out, even near the end of his life, in remarkable ways (as the short film by my brother Keith Oppenheim shows, below).

Born in Nurnberg, Germany in 1926, young “Hansl” witnessed first-hand the destructive impact of anti-Semitism. In his childhood, my father was the last remaining Jewish child to be thrown out of an elementary school which had become “judenrein” (cleansed of Jews). He barely escaped a brutal attack from a Hitler Youth who was about to drive a nail into his head. Luckily, a neighbor chased away his attacker.

Fortunate to escape Nazi Germany, my father and his family arrived in America in 1938. “I fell in love with the new world at first sight,” my dad wrote years later. He viewed the United States as “a wonderful sanctuary of good will after the turbulence and heartache of troubled European life.”

My Dad’s Unique Personality

In many ways, my father was a Renaissance man. A deep thinker, he was knowledgeable about philosophy, history, music and world affairs. Even with dementia, my father retained seemingly esoteric facts. He could talk about Susan Brownmiller, an American feminist journalist, author and activist who none of us had ever heard of, and he could name Warren Gamaliel Harding as our 29thpresident.

He also had a playful, imaginative side. Perhaps because his childhood was marred by trauma and upheaval, my father may have been making up for lost time. Once, I remember he was thrown off an amusement park go-cart course because he continually rear ended his children’s carts. His child-like, slightly irreverent personality, coupled with an ability to harness imagination, may have helped my father adapt so uniquely to dementia.

A Loving Wife and Caregiver

My mother, a remarkably adept caregiver, visited my dad every day in the nursing home. She was able to truly enter my father’s world, without imposing her own reality. Together, they would traipse off to make-believe places and enjoy whatever their minds could conjure, such as midnight waltzes along the Seine and visits to Antofagasta, Chile, where my father would blow kisses to alluring mermaids.

My mother also embraced my dad’s imaginary mistress, “Cunigunde” (pronounced kuh-nee-GUND-uh). In actuality, Cunigunde was married to Henry, crowned King of Germany in 1002, and later canonized as a saint.

For my dad, Cunigunde played different roles. She could be a playmate, lover, maternal figure and friend. To my mother’s deep appreciation, Cunigunde — rather than threatening their relationship — was a source of comfort. The mistress and caregiver provided my father with what my mother could not: ever-present companionship.

(MORE: Generosity May Be What Matters Most in Marriage)

Despite the many challenges my parents faced, they managed to somehow transcend the harsh day-to-day reality of infirmity and decline.

Lessons From My Father

Over the years, my father taught me many things as he bravely retained his personhood, despite the toll dementia takes.

Through his kindness, loving nature, humor and remarkable ability to live in the moment, he demonstrated that quality of life can persevere despite a debilitating illness.

The film ‘Hansl,’ that my brother Keith made, is a tribute to my father’s spirit and my mother’s dedication and love. To the many people who valiantly struggle to care for loved ones with Alzheimer’s disease and dementia, I hope you find some inspiration from our family’s story and, perhaps, some ideas about how you can make connections, too.

Jody Gastfriend Senior Care, Care.com

Jody Gastfriend, VP of Care Management at Care.com, is a licensed clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience in the field of eldercare. Jody’s broad range of leadership positions include: Director of the Department of Social Services and Case Management at a community hospital, Clinical Supervisor within the Social Service Department of Massachusetts General Hospital, Chief Operating Officer of a 200-nurse Medicare-certified home health care agency, and Director of Adult Care Services within a company serving over 130,000 employees, where she established a successful corporate eldercare division. Jody has provided expert consultation to individuals, health care organizations, professional societies and corporations in the field of eldercare. She has lectured widely on topics related to aging, eldercare and work/family balance to audiences that include family caregivers, HR administrators, health care professionals and policymakers. She has written numerous articles on caregiving and aging, including a 5-part series published in USA Weekend. In addition, Jody shares the personal journey of her clients, having helped manage the care of her own parent with dementia for over a decade. Jody received her BA from Tufts University, Magna Cum Laude and her Masters Degree in Social Work from Simmons College School of Social Work.